One of our cats passed away early this morning, little Grady. She was almost fourteen years old, and had the sweetest, most loving personality. She is at peace now. We are going to have her cremated today.
Yesterday I went to see my massage therapist, he specializes in deep tissue and trigger point: in short, you don’t go to him for a relaxing massage. It’s like paying someone to beat you up for an hour, but it works. Yesterdays session was particularly brutal and now I’m horribly sore as well as grieving so I’m not having the best time right now. But it has made me think and reflect about a lot of things.
The last time I had a session was several weeks ago. I’d passed out the day before, because I’m a hypoglycemic who forgets to eat, and I’d gotten whiplash when I fell and crashed into a bunch of stuff. It wasn’t a pretty scene. That was one of the ‘tower moments’ that I’ve had recently; the night before I had stayed up too late and drank a bit too much and of course neglected to eat dinner. I’d had a long and emotionally exhausting drunk text marathon with my Twin Flame, and was still reeling a bit from that. I knew that things needed to change, but I didn’t know how to change them. See, my Twin Flame situation is a little different: I am married to my Soul Mate, who is also friends with my TF. SM knows about TF and our “weird connection” but is ok with it because there is nothing physical between us and never has been; despite the depth of our friendship and the incredible energy and love that we share, TF and I both know that it could not ever happen.
SM and I have had some problems recently in our marriage, and for a while I wondered if we should stay together. I was struggling with the depth of my feelings, unsure of where to turn or what to do. Regardless of TF or SM, I realized that I needed to start taking better care of myself and doing what is best for me. The way I had been living was not working: I was avoiding issues rather than addressing them, bottling things up and making myself crazy. The Universe was showing me that I couldn’t keep it up, I was going to inadvertently hurt myself very badly. In the session after that, there was such an intense emotional release, I lay on the table and cried while he worked on me, feeling like there was an excavation going on in my body.
I cried during the session yesterday, too. I am still releasing a lot of stuff, pulling it to the surface, old pains and injuries. I’m realizing just how much damage has actually been done to my body over the years. I feel as though I’ve spent much of my life out of my body, and now I’m anchoring back into it, connecting to the Earth. This is an adjustment, and I feel like I am slowly becoming balanced. Balance, got me thinking. The two sides of my body. Most of my damage is on the right side, always has been. Even other health issues–sinus infections, lung stuff–it’s mainly been on the right. Right side: Masculine. Divine Masculine, always confusing. But it is playing a big role for me on this Earthwalk.
My father was so silent and emotionally absent and detached. There was very little affection. He rarely even called me by name. Later on, as a young teenager I stopped calling him “Dad” and he didn’t seem to mind. I was always imagining myself into a different life, where I was someone else’s child. Characters from different TV shows became fathers to me, because I needed that influence, that counter-balance to all my mother’s emotional instability. I’m still searching for that Masculine, always, it seems: perhaps I’ve given up on a father, per se, but I need people with those DM qualities in my life. It’s a yearning for steadiness, for warmth, for comfort and strength. Thanks to my mother, for a long time I viewed the Feminine as mercurial, manipulative and cruel at best and violently unstable at worst. Bitches be trippin. It’s taken me many years to fully trust and embrace the Feminine, and to form real relationships with goddesses.
My first goddesses were the Morrigan and Persephone. The Morrigan was strong as hell and took no shit, and Persephone, in my mind at the time, had willingly accepted pomegranate seeds from Hades to get the fuck away from Demeter. I could respect that. I think I overly identified with parts of that myth, to the point that I developed an unfair and intense dislike for Demeter because I conflated her with my own mother. But what are myths if not a way for us to understand ourselves?
A lot of layers dissolving, things shaking loose. It will take awhile to process everything. My massage therapist finds scar tissue on the right side of my head. “Did you get hit really hard?”
So much ugliness in my bones, the map of my body. I am older than I should be.
Things changing in my life, in my mind. “Resume your Work,” says Hekate, pulling me from my stupor, gently nudging me into action. I’m not sure what my work is, anymore. I’ve spent more than a year being consumed by this Twin Flame thing. But he’s not here anymore and I need to get back to my Practice and move on with things. I’ve done all I can for now in regards to our connection, and it’s my responsibility now to focus on myself and not obsess over my friend and what he’s doing, feeling, etc. If he’s meant to be part of my life, he will be, but I cannot control what he does. He has to make his own decisions. I am with my Soul Mate right now, a karmic partner who, despite our issues, is better for me, at least at this juncture. TF has a great deal of healing to do, and so do I. Both of us, I am told by my guides, have serious karmic issues regarding family/ancestry, issues that stretch back generations. I’ve been led to do more work on these subjects, and though I’m still not sure exactly how, I’m confident that I will be guided. I always am.
Loki, who had faded into the background and was quiet for several months, is finally reappearing and I couldn’t be more grateful; I greatly missed His presence. He, Hekate, and Hermes, oddly enough, have been hanging around recently. Lots of life/death themes. Psychopomps. Yesterday, as I lay on the massage table, wincing and in near-tears at the therapist worked on my trigger points, as buried pain crawled to the surface, I offered that pain to Loki, thought of Him bound in the cave.
One part of my journey is ending, another beginning. I am feeling strong, but very vulnerable, too. New, like early Spring, tentatively resurrecting myself, excavating the ruins of Me from the thawing ground. I am more Me again, rather than simply the other side of someone else. In being me, I allow TF to be himself. Over there, where he is. He may stay there, he may come back. It’s not up to me. None of this was ever up to me. Your move, Universe.
I am re-collecting myself, all the scattered pieces. Broken pottery, fused back together. Wabi-sabi. Connecting to the Gaia grid. I can feel my body again, the one I tried to escape for so many years. I treated myself very badly, because I thought that was what I deserved. It’s amazing what children can learn to believe.
The Daemons make a reappearance also, they are a grounding influence. I have spent too long in the celestial, in the spheres, trying to fade into someone else and let them fade into me, back and forth until there was no clear distinction. I return to the dirt, the chthonic, to the Underworld, the nexus of my Excavation. Lucifer, Ronove, light and knowledge. Death and life, around and around again. The journeys of Persephone. Caves. I learn. I resume my work.